Death was always a subject treated with common sense in my family and as such I grew up never worrying about the inevitable – it comes to us all! However, this year my superhero of a father, Gerry German, passed from this physical world into the heavens of light, angels, good times and reggae. He went in a style fitting for someone of his reputation – suddenly, without warning although we had been waiting for his fuse to cut out for sometime given his 70hr a week work load at 84yrs of age!
We were philosophical, we were sad, we were busy with arrangements to send him off with a fitting celebration and I was here, over the water on my island home of Mallorca, in my safe haven called Binissalem. I was fine.
That was May and now, since the end of summer, since the long days have shortened and the grapes have been collected; since the doors and windows have closed us into our organised lives again, I have been grieving. I miss my dad.
It’s more than him though. For 20 years I have lived here and 12 years in my spiritual home Binissalem – the home I had been searching for all of my life. I miss my family. It’s been a long time to wonder on my own. Although I would see my parents and siblings every year a couple of times, although I would speak with my dad 3 or 4 times a week when he would call to check in on the boys and me – I miss the family.
I ask myself “why did I think I was an island and could do this on my own”? Was it fear of intimacy, of being close. Was it pig headed and stubborn arrogance or even ignorance?
Grieving is a weary sensation. I am tired and have been since September. I cry a lot and easily. I try not to but it comes without warning. I have locked myself in and it’s hard to open the door at times, but… it will pass, of that I’m sure. I am still far away from my family but I still talk with my mum 3 or 4 times a week, when I can find her at home! I talk more now with the rest of my family and so I am grateful that dad’s passing has given me that. He’s not here but he lives on and this day I ask him to forgive me for my independent streak, inherited from him!
I love you
Please forgive me